Breaking Me

          Nothing is greater than the will of the Lord, for He sees all things and knows all hearts. What good will my worries bring but sorrow and disappointment?

What is my love to any man if not first given to God?
What is my joy to any peoples if not displayed before my Lord?
What is my life to the lost if not open to the will of Jesus?
What is my heart to this world if not broken and remade by the hands of the Creator?
What is my body to anyone if not first sacrificed to the Son of God?
What is my death before my enemies if not an act of obedience to Christ? 

          These questions came to me the other morning while I was sitting on the porch swing enjoying a quiet moment with God. I was surprised at how powerfully they struck my heart. Whipping out my journal and pen I wrote each of them down as they flowed through my thoughts.

          My prayer as of late has been; God, show me my faults. Work through my mistakes. Lead me and break me if you have to. Lead me...
          It may seem that this is an odd prayer. Break me? Why did I say that? What drove me to ask God to break me?

My sin. My pride.

          Often times I cannot see through my pride. I get caught up with how "Right" I am and how "Wrong" you are. In the heat of the moment it seems like there is no way that I could possibly be in the wrong. To the bitter end (Sadly) I hold onto the feeble argument of correctness and moral. While trying to justify my "Right", I do what is so grievingly wrong in the sight of my Lord.

          It is pride that has driven me to the foot of the cross. Gasping, I cry out to Jesus, praying that He would show me my wrongs and my failures. Praying that He might make a better woman out of the poor soul that kneel at His feet.
          Sometimes one must be broken in order to be made new. Pride must be broken. How will it be broken? Christ will start to point out every detail of your life where pride shows up. He will slowly allow you to see the spoiled spots in your heart. He will firmly but lovingly extract the blot of shame from your weary soul. He will stamp out the flams of judgment and replace them with rivers of redeeming love.

          Christ has begun to break me down. He is teaching me that I alone am not enough. He is showing me that there is allot about me that can be changed through prayer and supplication. He is asking me to be patient, kind, and gentle when my temper threatens to flare up. He is causing my thoughts to dwell upon wrongs that I would never have noticed a year ago. He doesn't ask me to linger on my failures, but to notice them so that I can correct my heart and thinking when it comes time for the right thing to be done.

          Should I have ever asked Him to break me and make me new? A RESOUNDING YES! I am thankful that He placed it in my heart to cry out to Him in such manor. I know that rough times are ahead, that my nature will come out, that people will see me for who I really am, but I think it is beautiful. Not my sin of course, but the change that I know He will perform in me.

          In all honesty, I want to be transparent with you. All of you. I don't know who you are (well...maybe some of you), where your from, or what you are really like, but I want  you to know that I am a sinner. I am human (duh). I fail. I also want you to know that I get angry (surprise, surprise!), and self-righteous (pray...I'm not the only one...?). I love being me. I don't want to cover up my quirks, failures, and weaknesses, because I know that we all have them and we all need help to fix them. So many people are determined to hide who they truly are. I understand not blowing up in front of friends or not bragging about your awesomeness to classmates, but I don't understand this total mask that everyone wears. This mask bandages and hides the festering wound beneath. It causes us to create a person of our own design. God designed us perfectly the way he wished us to be. He placed in us free will. We chose death. Why are we not fessing up to it? Why do we hide the fact that we are sinners when everyone else on the face of the planet it a sinner too?
          I'm not telling you to drop all decorum and to be "Real" (rude, mean, prideful...etc.) with the people you know. I'm saying, drop the walls that are keeping you from experiencing True Life. Tear away the Perfect's and the Pride's, and look forward, dig deep, realize that you are a sinner. Reach out and say, "Hey, this is me. A sinner. A loser...one saved by grace."
          Don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about Cheap Grace (a term used most frequently by Dietrich Bonhoeffer in his book The Cost Of Discipleship.) guys. I'm talking about Costly Grace. We were saved by a Grace that died on a cross for us. Jesus didn't say, "Go now brethren, sit in a church pew, there you will find grace." He said, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow me."(Luke 9:23)  Daily you must take up your cross. Daily you must strive after Him. Christ died a death deserving of Costly Grace. Why do you sit back and take in this form of comfort that is only Cheap Grace? Take up that cross. It lay on the dirt beckoning you to touch it. Feel the grains of wood that have soaked up innocent blood. Heft the weight of it on your shoulder. Feel that it is a beautiful burden. A burden that grows lighter every step of the way.
          You perform an act of taking up your cross by asking God to lead you. To show you where He wants you to be.
           Don't shy away from the human nature that so often struggles within you. Face it head on. Say, "This is who I am now, but I know that through Him who created me, I will be made new." Our human nature can only get away with more and more the longer we try to ignore, hide, or deny it.


          Re-evaluate these questions now that I have sufficiently talked your ear off about all kinds of things!

What is my love to any man if not first given to God?
What is my joy to any peoples if not displayed before my Lord?
What is my life to the lost if not open to the will of Jesus?
What is my heart to this world if not broken and remade by the hands of the Creator?
What is my body to anyone if not first sacrificed to the Son of God?
What is my death before my enemies if not an act of obedience to Christ? 

           Have you taken up your cross? Are you who you really say you are? Are you who God wants you to be? Do you pray that God would change you?

           Now, somehow, I have to wined down after that...speech?...might you call it that? I dearly pray that I have not scared you away or caused you too much grief! I only wish to provoke you to deep thought. I couldn't sit with the wheels turning in my brain for a day without causing the wheels to turn in yours! I'm sorry if you had trouble with any of the concepts or my sporadic way of expression! I try to bring things across as clearly as possible, but sometimes it ends up in a jumble!

          If you have any questions or thoughts, please email me or comment!!!

With many laughs, tears, and thoughts,

Yours Truly,

~Rachel